Where exactly does one go to turn themselves in to the Secret Service, on a holiday no less? The District Six, the AU students wanted by the Secret Service for disorderly conduct and crossing a police barrier after a Karl Rove speech on the AU campus will turn themselves in Monday, according to Laura Taylor, a spokesperson for the group bringing this week-long ordeal to a totally anti-climactic conclusion.
Thanks to a ‘post and forfeit’ plea deal brokered by attorney Mark Goldstone, arrest records will be wiped and one of the two charges dropped against the students. The six will forfeit their right to a trial and will pay a $100 fine each for crossing a police barrier. There will be no record of the arrest, except of course on the blogs.
Joel “Asscat” Gardner couldn’t be reached for comment, but we imagine he’d say something along the lines of, “Fucking a.”
It’s seems like only yesterday Chester and I sat down at Rudz to embark on a journey that would change our lives - or at least provide some kind of rationale for the amount of time we spent dicking around at work. We owe it all to you, disenchanted American youth. Without you guys, we wouldn’t occupy such a visible position on the D list. We. Are. So. Fucking. Proud.
Featured Song: “I’ve Had The Time of My Life” by Jennifer Warnes & Bill Medley
It’s not SUVs that are causing global warming, it’s the dudes in chicken suits who drive them.
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, Peta, are preparing a Hummer car with a driver wearing a chicken suit and banner proclaiming meat as the main cause of global warming. They plan to park it near a White House-sponsored climate forum in Washington in September.
We don’t want to make light of what PETA’s doing because we like PETA. We also like the fact that they don’t mind paying to rent a hummer, filling it with gas and driving it around or whatever to make their point about global warming, but you can bet money on the fact there will beno caged animals anywhere in sight… just an asshole in a chicken suit. Hopefully, for the grand finale, they’ll set the Hummer on fire, but since that might cause the death of a bunch of microbes or something, don’t count on it.
As you’ve probably picked up by now, we here at Culture Warrior are firmly dedicated to the unfolding drama of Joel Gardner, the merry mooner [aptly titled Assgate- or should it be A$$CATgate!?], not least of all because the spunky lil guy is my very own lil brother!
You see, growing up in our rowdy household, Joel often found it a personal delight [as the resident trouble-maker] to moon various family members, presumably in order to garner a strong reaction and/or test our brotherly love. Thus, it seemed that the Moon Rover Event was an original, signature Joel Gardner kind of reaction in the wake of Karl Rove’s presence.
But was it original? Not so! As the BBC would tell us, it seems that young Mr. Patrick Devine was given a suspended sentence and 200 guinea fine for mooning a Senegalese governor whilst volunteering abroad. While Devine’s cheeky [ha! HA!] actions were more of the prankster variety rather than an act of protest, it’s disappointing to know that it’s all been done. Looks like A$$CAT will have to find some new original protest strategies. I’m sure he’ll have a VERY difficult time with that, eh, little bro?
Featured Song: “You and Me and the Moon” by The Magnetic Fields
Hillary Clinton and Mike Huckabee were both endorsed by the International Association of Machinists and Aerospace Workers today, which the AP explained this way:
Clinton, a New York senator and former first lady, beat out former North Carolina Sen. John Edwards and Ohio U.S. Rep. Dennis Kucinich for the endorsement. The union only considered candidates that appeared before members during its conference this week at the Walt Disney World Resort.
I mean, whatever.
Featured Song: “I Just Can’t Wait to Be King” by Elton John
We are the people who run this country. We are the deciders. And every single day, every single one of us needs to step outside and take some action to help stop this war. Raise hell. Think of something to make the ridiculous look ridiculous.
All the resignations at the White House must have left the Secret Service with nothing better to do than chase after the the kids who made a mess of Karl Rove’s speech at American University in April. Everyone involved thought it was behind when the school issued its own disciplinary sentences: 35 hours of community service to the students who splayed their bodies in front of Rove’s Jag (subject of more recent hijinx) and 40 to Joel Gardner, the ambitious young gentleman who stopped by the the protest on his way home from class and displayed his supple butt cheeks (they really are quite supple) to the president’s Deputy Chief of Staff who was waiting ever so impatiently for all the kids to get dragged off by the cops. No one was charged with anything at the time.
As we so causally mentioned yesterday, six students (we’re withholding the names) were notified by AU’s Dean of Students that the Secret Service had issued arrest warrants for disorderly conduct and crossing a police barrier, months after the fact. Laura Taylor, a fellow AU Student and unindicted co-conspirator in the plot that so perilously endangered Rove’s health and wellbeing as well as the national security, has helped secure legal counsel for the six. Our sleuthing further determined the identity of the lawyer, a leading civil rights attorney in DC interested in the case because of how long the Secret Service took to press charges. (Again though, we’ve been asked not to spill the beans quite yet on who the lawyer is until an agreement has been formalized, but we’re just dying to tell you. For now, just know that we know and soon you’ll know too). Mayhaps the President’s manual on how to deal with protesters can yield some clues.
Dave Montgomery of the Washington Post is looking to make a story of the situation making use of the bare-assed angle (and who can blame him?). The reporter wanted to interview Gardner this afternoon, photographer is tow. He also contacted Taylor for the name and phone numbers of the students involved. He didn’t get them, but perhaps we can expect wider coverage in the next couple of days. Both Taylor and Gardner took their prospective lawyer’s advice to stay away from the press.
Also, and we’re sure this doesn’t have anything to do with anything, but we did seem to get quite a few hits from the Department of Justice today.
Featured Song: “There’s a Moon in the Sky (Called the Moon)” by B-52s
holiday no less? The District Six, the AU students wanted by the Secret Service for disorderly conduct and crossing a police barrier after a Karl Rove speech on the AU campus will turn themselves in Monday, according to Laura Taylor, a spokesperson for the group bringing this week-long ordeal to a totally anti-climactic conclusion.
