From the Wa Po Via Fresh Intelligence: It has been hotter than two rats fucking in a wool sock here in our nation’s capital for the past couple of weeks and the White House is cracking down on the amount of crack their interns are aloud to show.

The e-mail reminder was all in capital letters. It advised that there would be no jeans, sneakers, shorts, miniskirts, T-shirts, tank tops and — with boldface added — “NO FLIP FLOPS.” (Which, of course, is good advice, if rarely followed in this town.)

I mean, can’t argue with that. Then there’s this unsourced quote:

“When the Clintons came in, all hell broke loose” in terms of dress code — and perhaps other things? — one current aide said. “We’re just trying to get things back on track.”

For fucks sake. Douchebag, you guys have been in there for almost seven years. We know you’re a bunch of repressed pseudo-puritanical nutcases or whatever, but really, what does Bill Clinton have to do with the way your 18 – 25 year-old staffers dress in the summertime. Honestly. And they wonder why Iraq is such a fucking disaster.

Featured Song: “Nothings Going To Change My Clothes” by They Might Be Giants

Alberto Gonzales indicates to members of the Judiciary Committee the size of his juevones.

Yesterday, Attorney General and soon to be convicted felon Alberto Gonzales went before the Senate Judiciary committee to lie about some very important things. This is, I believe, the third invitation by subpoena extended to the Attorney General and most likely will not be the last. This particular occasion bore little fruit, with exasperated Senators telling Gonzo things like, “I don’t believe you,” and “You have a real credibility problem.”

But a credibility problem may not be all Gonzo has. Reports the AP:

Documents indicate eight congressional leaders were briefed about the Bush administration’s terrorist surveillance program on the eve of its expiration in 2004, contradicting sworn Senate testimony this week by Attorney General Alberto Gonzales.

The documents underscore questions about Gonzales’ credibility as senators consider whether a perjury investigation should be opened into conflicting accounts about the program and a dramatic March 2004 confrontation leading up to its potentially illegal reauthorization.

That took less than 24 hours! Now let’s see how fast all this bullshit unravels!

Featured Song: “Liars Beware” by The Voidoids

You might know him as MC Pee Pants, or Sir Loin or even Little Brittle. The high-pitched nerdcore rapper known as MC Chris is more than just a voice actor/rapper; he’s also a touring artist. Granted, he’s on the Warped Tour, but a player’s got to make a living, right? Although, by “player” we mean video game player. This doesn’t detract from the Brooklynite’s ability to tap into the streets; he can rap about cough syrup like the best of them.

Featured Song: “The Tussin” by MC Chris

Download: “The Tussin” by MC Chris

Featured Song: “Fuckin Up My Christmas” by MC Chris

Download: “Fuckin Up My Christmas” by MC Chris

More fucked up Christmas goodness after the jump…
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You know, there is more to the canine world than some football player’s dogfights, people. In what seems to be a submininal attempt to cash in on America’s fondness for dogs, the press has given us canine-centric stories that remind us of why we love our four-legged compatriots don’t subject them to unspeakable acts of dog-on-dog cruelty.

• That yipping dog of yours will take a rattlesnake bite meant for grandkid while you’re still applying Fixodent in the morning. [AP via Yahoo! News]
• You can sleep soundly know that the $750 that you misplaced are safely located in your pet’s intestines. You’ll only get $400 back covered in vomit and crap, but it’s better than the fees at some banks. [AP via Yahoo! News]
• If your dog is ever lost, chances are it will find its own way back to where it first was: a wooden car on a stage hoisted 20 ft in the air. [BBC News]

Of the hundreds of millions of dollars the Bakkers bilked from their followers through their Praise the Lord Network, they diverted a mere $3.7 million for themselves. That, among today’s leaders – political, evangelical or both – makes Tammy Faye quite virtuous indeed. The craziest thing about her passing is we just saw her like three nights ago on Larry King. The Lord works in mysterious ways.

Featured Song: “When I’m Gone”by The Carter Family

Blair stole the show in Oxford’s first production of The Who’s Tommy

Tony Blair got to Israel today in order to stop the violence and bring peace to a troubled region, erasing the memory of the hiccup that is Iraq in the minds of all who might remember him in the future. The AP also has this to say about Tony’s little visit:

Blair arrives at a promising time. The Palestinian uprising has fizzled and Israel says it’s ready to work with the new Palestinian leadership after seven years of stalemate.

If by ‘fizzled’ they mean ‘control Gaza’ and if by ‘New Palestinian leadership’ they mean ‘the same bunch of douchebags they’ve avoided working with for decades’ that would make more sense but we’d still have no idea what the fuck they’re talking about.

Source: Blair on first trip as Mid East envoy

Featured Song: “Blowin’ in the Wind”by Bob Dylan

There is a story at the top of the main page of the New York Times right now about how oil prices are going up after the nation’s oil refineries have suffered a record number of problems and setbacks like, you know, fires and explosions and stuff. I didn’t read the article, but allow me to direct your attention to this photograph, its caption reading “A battery of tanks at an oil refinery in Wynnewood, Okla., burned in April after it was struck by lightning.”

The thing I can’t help but notice is that it’s a beautiful day. The kids in the foreground are out with their bikes having a great old time! How could there have been lightening? There is only one explanation for this: oil companies have been granted access to a secret government weapon that creates weather events and they are using it to drive up gas prices. Obviously.