Kris Kringle, the Democratic governor of New Jersey, was released from the hospital today just in time to make toys for all the world’s children. [Source]

Finally, the New York Times magazine is covering something I care about: internet porn.

Just when we were starting to think the DC madame scandal wasn’t going anywhere, Deputy Secretary of State Randall “Randy the Mad Dog” Tobias admitted to ABC news that, yes, he is a fan of the massage services, and yes, he’s quitting his job. ABC’s Brian Williams and his investigative team are hard at work on this one, connecting all the dots and showing us the big picture:

As the Bush administration’s so-called “AIDS czar,” Tobias was criticized by some for emphasizing faithfulness and abstinence over condom use to prevent the spread of AIDS.

Finally, a scandal that has the potential to get somebody impeached.

Please watch this. Please.

A family law judge barred Alec Baldwin from communicating with his 11-year-old daughter today after he left the following message on her voicemail (It’s an mp3, so it’s perfect for your itunes. Graphic and audio borrowed from TMZ):

Obviously he is crazy-go-nuts abusive and treats his daughter like shit. So it makes sense that he’s on the board of People for the American Way, an organization that’s been steadily eroding our nation’s moral values for like 30 years.

The John McCain running for president today is a completely different John McCain who was running for president yesterday. John had some catching up to on things he’s forgotton to criticize over the past six years:

My friends, we all know the war in Iraq has not gone well…

…When Americans confront a catastrophe, natural or man-made, they have a right to expect basic competence from their government. They won’t accept that firemen and policemen are unable to communicate with each other in an emergency because they don’t have the same radio frequency…

…They won’t accept government’s failure to deliver bottled water to dehydrated babies or rescue the infirm from a hospital with no electricity. They won’t accept substandard care and indifference for our wounded veterans…

Iraq, 911, Katrina… Way to get caught up on world events. Jackass. [LAT, text of speech]