Ok, so January hasn’t exactly been the busiest month here on the old Culture Warrior. Bill O’Reilly and Stephen Colbert made a sex tape and we didn’t even mention it! Can you believe that? haven’t even opened our RSS reader since before the new year! The gaul! The gaul! So we’re sorry. But We’re back, and we’ll never leave you again, cause you know we love you, baby. We promise.

But our absense was not without cause. Chester went to Venezuela to attempt a coup, Molly was in China, Greg was drinking heavily while chasing various girls around the North American continent, Mia was aloof as always, and Joshua was busy trying to get his webcam to work. Annie has been pretty on the ball though, we have to say. Thank god for her, or there would have been pretty much nothing up here all month long. Jeez.

So ok. Let’s get this show on the road.

In a move that shocked pundits and political observers alike rattling the very earth on which we stand, Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton (D-NY) announced this afternoon that she is exploring a run for the presidency in 2008.

I’m in. And I’m in to win.

Today I am announcing that I will form an exploratory committee to run for president…

I believe that change is coming November 4, 2008. And I am forming my exploratory committee because I believe that together we can bring the leadership that this country needs. I’m going to start this campaign with a national conversation about how we can work to get our country back on track.

Who would have guessed that the humble, newly-re-elected Senator from New York had the ambition to try and make history by becoming the first female president of the United States? Characterized by her principled stands and straight talk on tough issues, Senator Clinton has immediately become the front-runner in this hotly contested race for the Democratic nomination, a crowded field with numerous experienced candidates including Senator Barrack Hussein Obama of Illinois and former Senator John Edwards of South Carolina.

Only time will tell which of these candidates will win the Democratic nomination, succeed George W. Bush as president of the United States, end the war in Iraq, balance the federal budget and provide the country with universal health care, but surely it will be one of these popular political leaders.

Also, Sam Brownback is running. Does anyone else think that’s a hilarious name for a racist?

D.C.’s such a small city that it feels like you’re always running into someone you know — on the Metro, at the grocery store, and especially at house parties. Thankfully, for all of our inbred social lives, there’s this totally great house just south of downtown where these four guys live, and I know we can party there on weekends.

Lest anyone doubt the newsworthiness (or the hilarity) of The New York Times’ soft feature stories, today’s Home & Garden section is housing a true hidden gem. That’s right: the leaseholders to D.C.’s next hotspot for raging house parties are none other than Sen. Charles E. Schumer (D-N.Y.), Sen. Richard J. Durbin (D-Ill.), Rep. Bill Delahunt (D-Mass.) and Rep. George Miller (D-Calif.)

“I love cereal,” Mr. Schumer said, digging into his second bowl of granola, going a long way toward depleting a box that Mr. Miller had just purchased.

Schumer is apparently a rascally but loveable roommate who not only eats all of his roommate’s cereal, but also gets in arguments with them for not making his bed. (Though, to be fair, he got stuck sleeping in the livingroom, which is pretty cheap.) Speaking of cheap, these four Democratic powerhouses are paying only $750 a month each for rent AND they have a cleaning woman and a bountiful supply of Suave dandruff shampoo. Party there? I want to live there.

Seriously, this article should be required reading.

Controversy froths around the presence of a Starbucks in China’s Forbidden City reports the Financial Times.

“Many of China’s 123m internet users are sensitive to any perceived insult to their nation, and Starbucks’ current troubles follow a tide of support from such ‘netizens’ for anchorman Rui Chenggang’s denunciation of its Forbidden City branch.”

This newfound anger reeks of self-promotion and extreme hypocrisy as someone who’s recently seen the offending coffee shop in action.

It’s actually quite symbolic of the China’s capitalist changes. The Forbidden City sits at one end of Tiananmen Square and stares towards Chairman Mao’s body housed in a marble memorial building. Immediately after you gaze at the preserved corpse, the next eight steps will bring you to a chaotic gift shop. China itself destroys the sanctity of its past one state-manufactured Mao keychain at time.

No matter the massive Pavilion of Moral Contemplation, the Forbidden City is not known for historical purity. You have to pay extra to enter the ledge where Mao delivered his speech declaring the People’s Republic. The rest of the sprawling complex brims with souvenir and snack stands. You can buy portraits of George Bush and Vladmir Putin. Hawkers try to sell you the emperor’s clothes and snapshots of you wearing them. I guarantee the bestpaid workers in the entire Forbidden City are the Starbucks employees.

And it’s the Chinese government that sold Starbucks the rights! They also auctioned off sponsorship of the Forbidden City to American Express whose logo is splayed across every explanatory sign. Note to Anchor Rui Chenggang: Direct your ire upwards. Oh wait, that would be bad for your career. And that is the real travesty going on. Not Starbucks defiling a historic treasure, but Chinese nationalism as a gag that only makes external targets safe for comment.

This article is about some high school senior who [backed by the ACLU] is suing his high school for not allowing him to wear armor in his senior portrait. Yeah, armor, like, chain mail. Metal. SWORDS. THE WHOLE SHEBANG. Umm, CNN, is this to commemorate MLK Jr’s Day o’ Birth? It’s not working very well. This article is titled “Teen fights for yearbook photo featuring armor, sword”, but we think it would be way more apt to replace the word “Teen” with “Mega-Nerdasaurus-Rex-who-probably-reads-Tolkien-inspired-manga-and-writes-King-Arthur-fanfic”.

I mean, SERIOUSLY. WHAT A SQUARE. This reminds me of this kid I used to bum rides from in high school who was a compulsive liar and did Revolutionary War reenactments and went to Weezer shows with me. Last I heard, he was an extra in a Czech porn movie.

Patrick Agin, I have some words for you. Go ahead and continue with your jousting tournaments, but don’t utterly humiliate yourself by continuing this fight. You’re going to get shoved into a locker. And no, for the last time, I am NOT going to prom with you.

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