Remember, this is the man who told a kid that “the reason the Constitution was forged was to assure new American citizens the right to free life and access to pursue happiness in his or her own way” and that “[t]he Declaration was the statement; the Constitution, the instrument,” after he was pwned for having written that “[t]he Constitution guarantees all of us, in a famous phrase, ‘life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.’”

Well, this time, he’s fighting for the rights provided to us by the Declaration and/or Constitution, not to mention journalism as a whole:

“There are a lot of people who hate FOX News and they want to hurt us…and if i had allowed this guy to do what he was trying to do, I wouldn’t have been standing up for my network or my camera man.”

It’s almost as if these people who hate FOX News are like terrorists or something. O’Reilly totally had a responsibility to the People’s democratic rights, which means he has an obligation to shove someone who was just standing there. He’s fighting for your freedom, people.

Featured Song: “Relax” by Bobby Conn & The Glass Gypsies

DOWNLOAD MP3

Sources:
Bill O’Reilly shoves Obama’s staffer: Unhinged… The Full video! Crooks and Liars
Bill O’Reilly: I Shoved, Cursed Out Obama Staffer To “Uphold The Constitution” Horses Mouth
Despite “excellent question” from a “kid[],” O’Reilly did not acknowledge falsehood in his book Media Matters

Camo on dogs just seem counter intuitive to us.

You might not have known this, but this blog would never have existed if not for the Catholics. Maybe that why we’re wondering about the awkward relationship between Catholics and Huckabee.

Apparently, the Arkansonian presidential hopeful is crossing his fingers that the Catholics will forget that he’s associated with the anti-clerical evangelicals Protestants, but remember he loves to metaphysically hug and squeeze unborn fetuses, not to mention that he likes to talk about other things that Catholics like:

“Catholics were a major source of support for me in Arkansas. And they have been nationally. And it’s not only because of the pro-life and pro-family issues,” he said, refering to his opposition to abortion rights and gay marriage. I certainly believe that Catholics are right about talking about poverty, disease and hunger. Things I talk about … I think a lot of evengelicals have not talked enough about it quite frankly.”

Huckabee might think flattery will get him into the oval office, but the Catholics probably disagree considering the company Huckabee keeps. (By the way, enough with the “Huck Up” jokes. We get it. It’s hilarious; his name rhymes with “fuck.”) While you may think Chuck Norris is offensive, the Catholics have lit a fire under Huckabee’s ass for his aligning himself with evangelical leaders who’ve accused the Church of creating anti-Semitism and practicing paganism and idolatry. (Snap.)

So how does Huckabee defend his love for the Pope?

In short, if I held any animosity toward Catholics, I don’t think Justice Scalia would have ever taken me up on my invitations to go duck hunting.

Obviously, Huckabee only befriends paragons of ethical virtue, which to be honest, the Catholics will eat up because someone really needs to think about the children.

Featured Song: “Kiss Me, Son Of God” by They Might Be Giants

DOWNLOAD MP3

Sources:
Huckabee seeks Catholic support Reuters
Mike Huckabee’s Anti-Catholic Problem Inside Catholic
INTERVIEW: Governor Huckabee Addresses Anti-Catholicism and Abortion Catholic Online

The John McCain running for president today is a completely different John McCain who was running for president yesterday. John had some catching up to on things he’s forgotton to criticize over the past six years:

My friends, we all know the war in Iraq has not gone well…

…When Americans confront a catastrophe, natural or man-made, they have a right to expect basic competence from their government. They won’t accept that firemen and policemen are unable to communicate with each other in an emergency because they don’t have the same radio frequency…

…They won’t accept government’s failure to deliver bottled water to dehydrated babies or rescue the infirm from a hospital with no electricity. They won’t accept substandard care and indifference for our wounded veterans…

Iraq, 911, Katrina… Way to get caught up on world events. Jackass. [LAT, text of speech]

You might have been too busy watching the Top Chef season finale (Spoiler Alert: Ilan won; Marcel pouted) to hear that Al Franken is running for office in 2008. That’s right folks, you can vote for Franken next year. As long as you’re in Minnesota.

CNN reports that Franken has announced his candidacy for a seat in Senate representing his home state. The liberal, O’Reilly-beating comedian-turned-radio-host-turned-politician is running against incumbant Sen. Norm Coleman (R), whose first priority while in Congress is to “get things done for Minnesota.”

That’s going to be a tough platform to beat.

All this comes soon after Franken’s former project, Air America Radio, was bought out of bankruptcy by real estate mogul Stephen Green, founder and chairman of SL Green Realty Corp. No worries of Green being in cahoots with Murdoch, though. Says Minnesota’s KARE 11:

Green is the brother of Mark Green, a longtime New York politician who has also appeared frequently as a guest on Air America Radio.

Sigh of relief.

So no Franken on the squack box anymore, but if all goes well, maybe we can hear him on the Senate floor on C-SPAN.

Watch Franken tread on Scarborough Country:

(UPDATED WITH BONUS MUSIC) Most Amercians probably resort to Telemundo for the uber-dramatic and extremely formulaic close up scences and ominous music found in every telenovela. But while you may have expected Reymundo to break off his engangement to Daniela so he could elope with her transexual sister, Luisa (formerly Luis, obviously), you may not have noticed that the NBC-owned Spanish-speaking network was off the air during the Venezuelan elections yesterday.

Read the rest of this entry »

The world is spinning off its axis because newly elected congressman Keith Ellison wants to be sworn into Congress using a Koran instead of a Bible. You may be saying to yourself, “Man, what kind of statement is this guy trying to make?” The answer is simple. None. He’s a Muslim. He’s the first Muslim ever to be elected to Congress. And since I imagine he takes both being a Muslim and being a Congressman seriously, he wants to be sworn in using a Koran. Can someone explain to me what, exactly, is the big fucking deal?

He should not be allowed to do so — not because of any American hostility to the Koran, but because the act undermines American civilization… Forgive me, but America should not give a hoot what Keith Ellison’s favorite book is. Insofar as a member of Congress taking an oath to serve America and uphold its values is concerned, America is interested in only one book, the Bible. If you are incapable of taking an oath on that book, don’t serve in Congress.

That was Dennis Prager of the American Family Association, whose “ActionAlert,” has been widely quoted despite the fact that the guy has his head inserted completely into his ass. Though we have to say that we admire the tolerance being displayed by the religious right on this one. If I may paraphrase the charming Mr. Pragers point, he is saying that he respects the freedom of religion just so long as we all acknowledge Christianity as being, we guess, better than the others.

We know that we don’t have to point this out to you, as we understand that you are a highly evolved social thinker, but we’re going to go ahead and say it anyway: the Christian right is retarded.

Featured Music:

Elizabeth Cotten - Jesus Lifted Me

Say what you will about Hugo Chávez, that man is insane. Living la vida loca (What? Too late for a Ricky Martin reference? Or was there never a right time for one?) seems to have caught up with Venezuelan president.

One of the South American country’s most prominent newspapers, El Universal, came out with a brain-picking piece that describes Chávez’s latest campaign for the Dec. 3 election as remarkably conservative. Well, as conservative as a man who invites Castro to his birthday parties can be.

Read the rest of this entry »