Thank you, Craigslist, from Mia.

The Supreme Court Clerk of my heart - m4w - 30
Reply to: pers-318677509@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-04-25, 3:39PM EDT

My words come to you by ‘Writ of Certiorari’ from my heart. I have an ‘Opinion’: You are without a doubt the most perfect girl on the Hill. I look forward to argument days just so I can see your smile and say hello as you pass me in the Courtroom hall. Some days you are in your Clerk uniform tails and some days you are not, but you always look stunning. When I see you across the way during arguments it is hard to concentrate on keeping the record.

Now that this session of Oral arguments is over I am bummed because I never really had the chance to talk with you. So here on Craigslist I am bringing an ‘Appeal’ to take you out to coffee sometime?

On ‘habeas review’, my heart is doing time and you have been found guilty.:0)

C.R.

This is obviously never going to happen. But we wish it would.

“Hi, I’m President Stupid and I’m going to run my administration into the ground.”

Please allow me the pleasure of an explanation. As you may or may not have heard, Congressional Democrats quite unexpectedly produced some nuts and outlined a plan for Iraq withdrawal for - note the date - September 1, 2008. Yes, I bolded it for you to make it easier to understand. The Cut-And-Run-Ocrats are going to time Iraq withdrawal two months before the presidential election so that they will win. Sneaky, right? Oh, but there’s more.

So, President Scratchandsniff the Decider in Chief decidedly intends to veto the withdrawal measure. Of course. In favor of the status quo. two months before the presidential election. Because he’s smart.

Thus! The Democrats get the best possible political outcome. They are going to move to end the war that at this point everyone hates (popular move, election winning move) but then they’re going to be stopped by an jackass president who are this point pretty much everyone hates and thinks is an idiot (stupid move, election losing move). And the Republican nominee (and please jesus oh man do i hope it’s Mitt Romney) is going to be standing around saying “Well this withdrawal plan is flawed but I would talk to Congress to make it work blah blah blah” because President Headuphisass will have exactly no one on his side. So the Dems get to look like leaders without having to bare the responsibility of actual leadaership. Bush is out-inepting the Democrats. In Congress.

Really. There are so many levels here it’s almost too much.

So Bush is going personally to see to it that the Democrats get a double win in 2008! Why, how thoughtful of you, President Shitforbrains! This is your best move since you kept Rummy on until after you lost the last election! This is the kind of politics that gives me a full-on boner. If only they had let President Chim Chim call the shots since day one! It’s like Christmas every single day!

And I’m sure the cost in human life will be negligible on any meaningful scale.

You might have been too busy watching the Top Chef season finale (Spoiler Alert: Ilan won; Marcel pouted) to hear that Al Franken is running for office in 2008. That’s right folks, you can vote for Franken next year. As long as you’re in Minnesota.

CNN reports that Franken has announced his candidacy for a seat in Senate representing his home state. The liberal, O’Reilly-beating comedian-turned-radio-host-turned-politician is running against incumbant Sen. Norm Coleman (R), whose first priority while in Congress is to “get things done for Minnesota.”

That’s going to be a tough platform to beat.

All this comes soon after Franken’s former project, Air America Radio, was bought out of bankruptcy by real estate mogul Stephen Green, founder and chairman of SL Green Realty Corp. No worries of Green being in cahoots with Murdoch, though. Says Minnesota’s KARE 11:

Green is the brother of Mark Green, a longtime New York politician who has also appeared frequently as a guest on Air America Radio.

Sigh of relief.

So no Franken on the squack box anymore, but if all goes well, maybe we can hear him on the Senate floor on C-SPAN.

Watch Franken tread on Scarborough Country:

Unless something really crazy and unexpected happens today like, we don’t know, a Jen and Vince break up, this is the story we’re sure is going to dominate the news cycle. The Jame Baker-led Iraq Study Group is going to release its report at 11.

Bush got his copy this morning a little before 7am, and acted like he’d read it in front of the White House press corps, who, of course are reporting that he’s read it.

Everybody already knows that the thing says, which is Iraq is a fucking disaster and we need to get out, but here are some tidbits from a leaked copy of the report:

• The primary mission of U.S. forces should evolve to one of supporting the Iraqi army
• Violence is increasing in scope and lethality.
• The United States must adjust its role to encourage the Iraqi people to take control

But here’s why it doesn’t matter what the report says: it doesn’t say “Stay the Course.” George won’t ever want to leave Iraq, because it means that he failed in the task he made central to his presidency. It means that isn’t acting through him. It means he made a big, big mistake.

So we at Culture Warrior agonize over the irony that is surely lost on the President, but won’t be lost to history: He will ignore the recommendations of the group set up to save his ass by providing political cover. What. A. Fucking. Chump.

Disaster averted! Congress voted yesterday to save the internment camps where Japanese-Americans were kept during World War II. Says this ABC news lede that is either dripping with irony or rancid with stupidity:

Notorious internment camps where Japanese-Americans were kept behind barbed wire during World War II will be preserved as stark reminders of how the United States turned on some of its citizens in a time of fear.

Yes, we’re certain that these camps are being preserved as a “stark reminder” of a shameful time. Not because, you know, we may want to use them again. Oh, how far we’ve come, America!

We don’t understand why this was even in the paper. And so, since no news is apparently news after all, we find ourselves blogging this non-story anyway. Reports the Washington Post:

Republican congressional leaders decided yesterday not to bring to the floor a bill giving the District a full voting member of the House, dooming the measure’s chances in this legislative session.

Well, glad that’s settled. Now maybe GOP congressional leaders can get back to the task at hand: Packing up their offices and getting the fuck out of the way.

Here we go with number two. Greg and Josh tackle the big issues: E. Coli, Moonbases, and even Rumsfeld himself. Warrior Cast: fresh for your ears with more music great music. Tune in to find out what cheese is featured on “This Week in Cheese.” We can’t wait. We mean, we can wait, but we won’t.