Fresh of his stint as a negotiator with the FARC, Hugo Chavez tells the world that he uses coca on a regular basis. No, not cocoa. Coca. Think back to your D.A.R.E. class.

There’s speculation about the actual product that he uses, which as far we’re told isn’t cocaine proper, but coca leaf and paste. Both are nontheless illegal in Venezuela. Surely enough to set some alarms off. Right?

Apparently, it didn’t the first time Chavez craved some coca. The Miami Herald also reports that while visiting a kitchen in Caracas, he “suggested using the kitchen’s ovens to bake bread made from a special coca-based flour” and said:

“We could try that here, as part of that effort to de-Satanize a product that our indigenous people have been producing for centuries.”

Most disconcerting quote of the article, though?

”I chew coca every day in the morning…and look how I am.”

And with that, Hugo Chavez just may be 2008’s “Just Say No” campaign.

Featured Song: “Cocaine Socialism” by Pulp

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Source:
Chávez says he chews coca daily Miami Post

We could make an awful joke referring to Chavez, his
69 proposed amendments and Castro. But we won’t.

So Chavez lost the constitutional referendum last night, meaning his attempt to change the Venezuelan constitution for a second time in the last nine years has failed. Just how close was the vote? Just 51 to 49 percent. I wonder what the hell the margin of error is…

Chavez’s concession is the stuff that publicists’ wet dreams are made of. When the OEA is no where to be found (Jimmy? Where are you Jimmy?) and when you’ve managed to lose throes of supporters, what else are you going to do but lose by an almost impossibly narrow margin that the electoral group refused to release on time, despite Chavez’s lackeys going an air and publically saying that things were looking very good? I mean, c’mon. Am I right?

Now the apologists have come out crying that the results should be no surprise because elections and Chavez, who has been in office since 1998, and his presidency have always been legitimate. I’ll concede that there is no conclusive proof that this election was manipulated in any way. Hell, I’ll even go a step further and say that no court of law in Venezuela has found any sort of proof of electoral fraud in the last nine years of Chavez’s presidency. But very similar claims are still made about the 2000 elections.

Amercia has a little more than a year with Bush. We’ve got Chavez till 2013. Wanna trade?

Featured Song: “No Love Lost” by LCD Soundsystem


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Sources:
Venezuela Hands Narrow Defeat to Chávez Plan NY Times
Do Dictators Lose Elections? Huff Po
Fear of Chavez is Fear of Democracy Greg Palast

Previously:
Marrying Up Dept: The World’s Most Eligible Leaders
Dept. of Lost in Translation: King of Spain tells Chavez to shut up
Beer Goggles Dept.: Venezulans vote for Chavez…as fifth sexiest man

He’s on the market, ladies.

If you think I’m sexy, and you want my ‘body politick,’ come on baby let me know, preferably by diplmatic pouch.

Foreign Policy just published the Who’s Who guide for wooing world leaders. We provide you with the list here with our commentary, of course, in italics:

1. Nicolas Sarkozy, President of France
Authority never looked so good.

2. Condoleeza Rice, U.S. Secretary of State
We remember her dominatrix boots fondly.

3. Jigme Khesar Namgyal Wangchuck, Dragon King of Bhutan
Make me the Dragon Queen of your medieval kingdom that while charming, will never appear in a Disney movie.

4. Michelle Bachelet, President of Chile
She´s been tortured in life and love.

5. Hugo Chavez, President of Venezuela
Communism is the political system for lovers

Attaché yourself to these studs and studettes before the next coup, election, or personal scandal sinks them beyond your clutches.

Featured Song: “Hot Stuff” by The Rolling Stones


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Source:
The List: World´s Most Eligible Leaders Foreign Policy

(Editor’s Note: Because we can’t find any decent translated video for this particular story, we offer you a little bit of our multiculturalism with this fully Spanish, Babelfish-free post. We’ve translated it for our gringo friends at the end*.)

Ustedes ya deben saber lo que creemos sobre Hugo Chávez. Pero también sabemos lo que el Rey de España piensa del presidente venezolano después del domingo pasado.

Durante una cumbre de lideres latinoamericanos, el bruto Chávez no supo como callarse la boca durante un discurso de parte del presidente español, José Luis Rodríguez Zapatero, sobre como conducir una reunión entre países latinoamericanos y tener un discurso respetuoso. Chávez decidió atacar el ex-presidente de España, José Maria Aznar, llamándole fascista, serpiente e inhumano y siguió interrumpiendo a Zapatero, quien defendió a su predecesor como un líder elegido democráticamente, tanto como Chávez (aun algunos de nosotros no necesariamente tenemos mucha fe en elecciones; mira a Bush.). En fin, el mismo Rey Juan Carlos de España se salto de su asiento y le dijo a Chávez que se callara. Muy bien hecho, viejo.

Ahora los Chavistas están llorando que los españoles terminaron pareciendo como oligarcas de siglos antepasados. Ay sí; los quienes piden una pizca de respeto entre representantes internacionales son los incivilizados, pero él quien entra a países extraños demandando locuras e insultando líderes democráticos es él quien tiene razón. Pendejo…

*Translation: Umm, we’ll have two frozen margaritas with salt and some chips and queso.

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Chavez and Castro: two hot pieces of beefcake.

If this doesn’t prove that voting in Venezuela is rigged, we don’t know what else will:

A poll said on Thursday the fifth-most desired man is Chavez, whose large nose, protruding lips, forehead mole and gap in his front teeth are easy fodder for caricature artists in a South American nation obsessed with beauty.

Venezuelan business group Fedecamaras organized the poll, which is odd since Fedecamaras has been hailed as one of the leading forces of the opposition group and black listed as part of the capitalistic oligarchy by the Chavistas.

Let’s put this in context, though. Chavez, who was nicknamed “Goofy” in his military days, was named one of the top five sexiest Venezuelan men. We’re talking about Venezuela, the developing country that in 2000 was named the most vain country in the world and in which 65 percent of Venezuelan women and 47 percent of men said they think about their personal appearance ”all the time.”

Come to think about it, Naomi Campbell did visit Chavez the other day…Better luck next year, Winston Vallenilla. Sixth place doesn’t cut it, you ass-face ugly son of a bitch.

Featured Song: “Da Ya Think I’m Sexy” by Rod Stewart


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Sources:
“Ugly” Chavez among Venezuela’s sexiest men: poll Yahoo! News
Who Is Vainest of All? Venezuela NY Times
Naomi Does Venezuela Michelle Malkin

Hugo Chavez has done it again. He’s moving forward with his socialistic plans to make Venezuela a better place for the poor and downtrodden. He’s dealt with health care, housing and literacy. Now he’s set his eyes on yet another vestige of the evil capitalist remains: the time zone.

It seems that when he’s not forcibly feeding the poor or taking private property away from landowners (for the sake of the people, of course), he has enough time to worry about Venezuela’s time zone. Or rather, maybe he doesn’t have enough time, which is why he wants to change the current time zone by a HALF hour. He must realize that only a crazy man would change things by an hour.

Why is he spending public funds to fuck up our time zone differences? Science and Technology Minister Hector Navarro explains.

[Navarro] said the measure sought “a more fair distribution of the sunrise,” which would particularly help poor children who wake up before dawn to go to school.

It’s for the children. It’s always for the children…

“Very rigorous scientific studies have determined that … the metabolic activity of living beings is synchronized with the sun’s light,” [Navarro] said.

The minister added that the government “is planning to announce additional measures to make more effective use of time.”

Just a quick tip to Hector, in case he’s reading this: maybe the problems that you and your boss have been having with job effectiveness has less to do with a HALF hour time zone difference and more to do with your complete incompetence as politicians, nay, human beings.

Featured Song: “Sign ‘O’ The Times” by Prince

Source:
Country to change time zone by 30 minutes Reuters

“Why do birds suddenly appear…”

According to the AP, Sean Penn took a tour of Villa del Cine, a new film studios outside of Caracas today, and exchanged words with Chavez, whom he will personally meet today. The actor, though, was welcomed on Wednesday during one of Chavez’s famously long-winded televised speeches:

“Welcome to Venezuela, Mr. Penn. What drives him is consciousness, the search for new paths. He’s one of the greatest opponents of the Iraq invasion.”

The paratrooper-turned-Venezuelan president called and congratrulated Penn, like he did Danny Glover a while back, for being “well-informed about what is happening in the United States and the world, in spite of being in Hollywood.” Now, we can’t help but notice that Chavez called Hollywood out. Is too conservative for faux-socialists now? LA can’t get love neither the wingnuts or unstable, autocratic fascists.

Maybe neo cons and Chavez have more in common than they’d like to think…outside of soiled sheets resulting from Madonna-driven wet dreams, that is.

Featured Song: “Lucky Star” by Madonna