Hola, Warriors. Here at Culture Warrior HQ [read: THE LIBRARY], we want you to get the most fair-’n'-balanced news commentary. That’s why, EVEN THOUGH we’re all rabid leftists, we decided to give you a little run-down on armies Everywhere and what they’ve been doing with themselves [US military not included….].

-”We’ve spoken to the authorities in Liechtenstein and it’s not a problem”
Apparently some Swiss soldiers accidentally crossed the unmarked border into the tiny, TINY country that is most well-known for… anyone? anyone? Manufacturing computer chips, right [this is what CIA WorldFactbook told us]?
“Liechtenstein, which has about 34,000 inhabitants and is slightly smaller than Washington DC, doesn’t have an army.” [Mia Steinle, contributing Culture Warrior, would like to remind everyone that Washington, DC ALSO does not have an army.]
[Swiss Accidentally Invade Lichtenstein-NYT]

-What does the world’s largest democracy do with its cream-of-the-crop soldiers? PROTECT ITS PRECIOUS CRICKET TEAM, THAT’S WHAT. Clearly we do not take our sports players seriously enough in this fair country. And you know what? As long as India also deploys commandos to protect my beloved Bollywood Superstar SRK, I’m ok with that.
[Commandos to protect Indian team-BBC]

-Australian soldiers deal E IN UNIFORM. Do you think they also put the hazards on in their landrover so they can have flashing lights!? Can they get pacifiers ‘n’ glo sticks at the Commisary!??
[Army duo accused of drug deals-SMH]

This Gawker piece/mockery of the Bourgeois Goodman […did I say Bourgeois?!? I meant BERGDORF. BERGDORF… MY BAD!!11!! SRY!] Website’s book selection piqued my interest enough to explore, dare I say, COVET the book selection. [$750 Heirloom Bible? King James Version? SOLD!] Then?!? Then I clicked “CDs” and found this:

It’s a compilation of Chanel frontman/superdiva Karl Lagerfeld’s favorite tunes… and it’s pretty good!!

Karl Lagerfeld listens to Stereolab when he’s “at work”?? I LISTEN TO STEREOLAB WHEN I’M “AT WORK”!! This man and his size 28 ass was CLEARLY meant to be my BFF, Forever, 4 Lyfe! Let’s face it folks, Karl Lagerfeld- the man, the waif, the Icon- has great taste in music!

-[Karl Lagerfeld Les Musiques Que J’aime- Bergdorf Goodman]

My mom emailed me this article from the Arizona Republic [A Truly Great Publication, I assure you!! Coverage of Top Ten Singles Bars in the Valley? YES, PLEASE!!] titled “Misery U: Hook-up culture leaves casualties”. It’s about how hook-ups are bad for college girls’ emotional health, which seems to be a really trendy thing to study right now, especially if you’re the Post’s Laura Sessions Stepp. My friend Rusty at WhyIHateDC has some choice [clever] words on the Unhooked author/Washington Post writer.

Anyway, I’m not going to say mean things about Laura Sessions Stepp because I haven’t read her book [though I hear that she thinks girls should get back in the kitchen. TSK, TSK!]. The reason I’m saying “WTF” after all this is kindof a non-sequitur, but WTF!??? WHY ON EARTH DID MY MOM SEND ME THAT ARTICLE?!? WHAT IS SHE IMPLYING!? MOM, I’m not part of the “hook-up culture”! I identify with the “single-hangouts-with-my-girls” culture! Also, the “nerds-who-are-camped-out-in-the-computer-lab” culture.

Archaeologists [you know, that career that all us anthropology students start out thinking we want to pursue until we actually learn about it?] in England have discovered some early settlements by the very builders of the mysterious monument.

Professor Parker Pearson of Sheffield University has theorized that the housing complexes found were actually a massive party zone on account of the numerous animal bones covering the floors [sounds like my basement!!].

“The animal bones are being thrown away half-eaten. It’s what we call a feasting assemblage. This is where they went to party - you could say it was the first free festival.”

So, the people behind Stonehenge were huge partiers!! You know what this means, right guys? That you can have an epic work ethic and build monuments WHILE you party your ass off! YEAH!!

This article is about some high school senior who [backed by the ACLU] is suing his high school for not allowing him to wear armor in his senior portrait. Yeah, armor, like, chain mail. Metal. SWORDS. THE WHOLE SHEBANG. Umm, CNN, is this to commemorate MLK Jr’s Day o’ Birth? It’s not working very well. This article is titled “Teen fights for yearbook photo featuring armor, sword”, but we think it would be way more apt to replace the word “Teen” with “Mega-Nerdasaurus-Rex-who-probably-reads-Tolkien-inspired-manga-and-writes-King-Arthur-fanfic”.

I mean, SERIOUSLY. WHAT A SQUARE. This reminds me of this kid I used to bum rides from in high school who was a compulsive liar and did Revolutionary War reenactments and went to Weezer shows with me. Last I heard, he was an extra in a Czech porn movie.

Patrick Agin, I have some words for you. Go ahead and continue with your jousting tournaments, but don’t utterly humiliate yourself by continuing this fight. You’re going to get shoved into a locker. And no, for the last time, I am NOT going to prom with you.

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